We can all use blame as a way to sidestep change (because change requires that we look at uncomfortable things and take action that may feel foreign, overwhelming or vulnerable). Unfortunately blame puts a label on our partner that is difficult for them to climb out of (and at the very least makes them feel the need to defend themselves). Meaningful change can happen when we can get clear on what we're feeling—and needing—and we take personal responsibility for advocating for them.

So, instead of just landing with a comfortable, but likely limited, narrative of:
My partner is just ___________________ (lazy, mean, inconsiderate, non-emotional, selfish, etc.)

Let's play with shifting the focus onto your own experience rather than your partner's behavior or character. See if you can rephrase the statement with an “I statement” as a way to take more responsibility for your experience, your needs, your boundaries, your emotions.

This is the 'I statement formula' I absolutely love using:
I feel___________________________
Right now (or moving forward), I would like/need/appreciate _______________________________________

Examples of this in action:
Instead of the narrative: My partner is just not emotional
Try: I often feel lonely in my relationship; I'd love to spend a few minutes with you before bed

Instead of the narrative: You are critical
Try: I often feel criticized in this relationship; moving forward I want you to ask before giving me feedback

Instead of the narrative: You are just never happy.
Try: I often feel overwhelmed or discouraged when I try to interact with you and things turn negative; moving forward I'd like to build a culture of appreciation through more compliments and limited time talking about things that are stressful or negative. Can we try this out tomorrow and see how it goes?

I love this formula because it keeps you in an empowered position; you are responsible for your feelings and for advocating for your wants/needs. ⁠

Try out this formula the next time you're having the feels. See if helps your partner hear you better. ⁠