Part 1, Identifying the Performance Model:
One of my tasks as a sex therapist, is to help clients untangle themselves from sexual scripts (or stories) that do not work for them.
Often these scripts reveal a societal or cultural pressure on how we “should” be performing as humans.
For example, do any of these sound familiar?
Because of my gender- I need to know what I’m doing sexually at all times
Because of my gender- I should be focusing on my partner’s pleasure above my own
Because of my gender- I need to be the one to initiate
Or voices like...
My stomach is too big
My penis is too small
My chest is too flat
My erection should last longer
I should climax faster
I shouldn't smell like that
I shouldn't like touching myself
This is the kind of person I should be attracted to
and on and on and on...These messages may have been taught to us explicitly. Or perhaps it was never directly discussed, but our bodies and minds absorbed these messages from the world around us. We refer to this as the performance model. This type of messaging can sometimes be obvious to pinpoint or challenge. Or sometimes they lie dormant, subtle, or can be tremendously convincing.
Likely, there are some things we were taught about sex, our bodies, or our gender that today are still working for us. It's ok to hold onto ideas that still resonate.
But my guess would be, there are many (many) messages that are outdated and/or have never really been examined or challenged.
What were some of the things you were told (implicitly or explicitly) about how you should show up sexually? Which ones do you want to hold on to? Which ones cause a sense of anxiety or disempowerment?
Part 2, Identifying the Pleasure Model:
As we challenge the performance model, a more useful framework could be consulting with the pleasure model. With the pleasure model, you allow yourself to explore a self-understanding around what ACTUALLY feels good to your body (instead of what SHOULD feel good to your body).
Some questions to connect with your own pleasure:
Today, how assertive do l want to be sexually?
What do I like to fantasize about?
What's my favorite part of my body to be touched? Kissed?
Where's my favorite place to touch or kiss my partner?
Right now, do I want a fast touch? Slow? Firm? Gentle? None? All?
What's my favorite part of my body today? Can I let myself enjoy it?
Tonight, would I rather make out with no expectations of penetration? Or would I rather take a bath by myself? Or would I like to receive pleasure or give pleasure without any reciprocation?
At first, it's a challenging assignment. Because we've been told for so long (often since the ages of 3-4 yo) on how we ‘should be’ conducting our bodies. So the performance model is familiar, convincing, and loud.
But can you allow yourself to explore the areas where you detect some incongruence? Follow the curiosity. Follow the areas that have never quite felt true for you.
Start small. In the spirit of the pleasure model, ask yourself right now,
“If my body could experience anything in the world right now, what would feel good?”
You don't even have to act on it at this moment. Perhaps you just let yourself honor the part of you that is curious. Let yourself feel the curiosity in your body and then thank yourself for listening.
Part 3, Beyond Sexual Pleasure:
For me, this concept goes WAY beyond the bedroom. If you were to use this in other areas of your life, the concept would likely deepen its practice. For example, after learning about this concept, I found myself asking questions like:
How can I dress myself out of pleasure rather than performance?
What kind of money spending do I engage in that is for performance rather than pleasure?
What do I actually want to do this weekend? Can I lean into my pleasure rather than performance?
What kind of music do I actually like?
What relationship with my phone or social media gives me pleasure rather than feeling performative?
What kind of friendships am I holding onto out of performance rather than pleasure?
In what ways could you lean into the pleasure model a bit more in your upcoming week? Have fun. Let yourself play. xo